Being One With The Herd

Below is an entry from a blog I wrote when I was teaching Therapeutic Horseback Riding in Las Vegas Nevada. Since writing it I have moved across the country (with horses in tow), had a baby and started a life that I am over the moon in love with. I think my horses are pretty happy too. They have grass where they used to have sand, open gates where they used to have stalls and a mama that keeps a close watch over them where they used to have a different barn "helper" everyday. But that quantity of time I am fortunate to have with them now doesn't translate to quality time. I miss that. I miss the bareback trail rides Callie and I would take out into the desert to watch the sun set. I miss having the time to clean her stall so well I could take a nap in it. I miss taking naps in her stall, waking to the warm, sweet breath of my pony's soft nuzzle.

Because I no longer have that kind of time to spend with my horses I miss out on the kind of moments described below. I feel removed from their world. In re-reading this post though, I'd like to try to get back there. Even if I have to start exactly where I am at, it will be so worth it...

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During the session break in August I was able to spend a lot of down time with the horses. I knew the time off, time just to be horses, would be good for them. I had no idea how good it would be for me.

As someone who touts and teaches the myriad of benefits equines provide us, I should not be surprised when I learn a few lessons myself, from a herd I am with everyday. It's not as much a feeling of surprise as it is awe and a deep gratitude that these horses are in my life. It never gets old. They never stop amazing me with their insight and it always makes my heart smile to see them run together.

A typical morning would begin before sunrise as I fumbled in the dark to unlock the front gate. At the first rattle of the chain, soft nickers would begin to echo down the aisle way. Gratitude. On the rare occasion I was running a few minutes behind because I had chosen to sleep in or have that second cup of coffee, those nickers were accompanied by stomps of the hoof. A gentle reminder that all of my actions affect the lives of others.

Hay was delivered, grain buckets were mixed with vitamins and supplements, water buckets cleaned and filled with cool, fresh water and all of it was readily slurped up. It is deeply satisfying to take care of another life. By this time of the morning if I'd not eaten breakfast I felt tired and sluggish. With something in my belly I felt invigorated and alert. You must take care of yourself before you are able to care for another life.

I would sit cross-legged in the stall, breathing in deeply the sweet scent of grass. I loved to feel the warm breath of my pony on my cheek and listen to the sounds of the horses chewing as the sun rose above the mountains. Peace. Serenity. Calm.

Now the fun began! It was time to go play! One by one or two by two, the horses were led to the main arena and turned loose. Some horses tolerate and even prefer to be led in pairs. Others are so laid back I am able to lead them in 3's. Some need individual attention. Being fair isn't treating everyone the same, but seeing that everyone gets their needs met.

There would typically be 8 or 9 horses turned out in the arena. Some days I couldn't slow them down, others they needed a little encouragement to run. For those of you who've seen the main arena, you know just how large it is. It's not easy for one person to cover that much ground. So there I am running, skipping, flaying my arms, snapping my fingers and making absurd noises with my mouth, occasional saliva dribbling down my chin. If I did this anywhere else I'd probably be arrested. But here at the barn, no one thinks twice about it. It's important to have at least one space in your life where you are accepted by your peers.

But the most fascinating part of the day happened next. After they got a good run in and some energy out, I let them do their thing. This usually involved rolling and often they'd begin to meander around in pairs. Some would nip at each other's manes while others continued to run and buck in play with each other.

Horses have developed a communication system which at times I think is at a far higher level than we as humans have been able to attain. I know this because I was able to enter their world on days like this. I would squat in the center of the arena or walk about, mingling as if at a cocktail party with a very relaxed dress code. A horse would approach and gently slide in next to me. I'd reach to scratch at his neck and in response he would turn his head towards me and use his dexterous nose to massage the low of my back. You get what you give. Another horse would approach and I could either send them away or accept them into the circle. Without a word spoken or a sound made, much was said. Over 90% of face-to-face communication is non-verbal. The honesty with which horses communicate is refreshing. If a horse said to me "go away" or "no", that was exactly what it meant. In the human world "go away" may mean "I need your help and I'm too proud to ask. Please save me".

Much time would pass while I was with the horses. I wouldn't realize it until I returned to the barn and looked at the clock. Then I'd remember what just happened. It felt like a dream. Time had stood still. Being with the horses makes you fully present. They do not dwell in the past or future and so when with them, neither do you. No worries about past mistakes, future appointments or what that person over there must be thinking of you. Time with them was like a mental vacation. Meditation without the fire hazard of scented candles.

Summer is now coming to an end and Fall Session has begun. I couldn't be happier about that. I cannot wait to share with you the lessons the horses have to teach us and what it feels like to be one with the herd.

In a nutshell, I felt fear...

So...Sagan had her first "sickness".  This was a very scary thing for me.  She made it 5 1/2 months first so I am thankful; but I was scared.  I had all sorts of confidence in myself until other well meaning people became involved.  I am not trying to say that I had it all under control, but that I was trying to trust my instincts.  Did I succeed?  You be the judge...

I came to get Sagan from her daycare on Thursday night  She was laying on the floor not moving.  I though she was just tired.  I picked her up and she was hot.  Hmmnnn...  She slept fitfully.  In the morning her temp. was 101.  No reason to worry I thought.  "Fever is a sign the body is fighting off infection", I thought as I left for work, leaving Sagan with her grandmother.  I wanted to be home with her to comfort her if she needed it but I had a meeting scheduled that morning. 

I kept calling to check in on her and g-ma was not sure about keeping her home and away from the Dr.  I told her that 101 was not a high temp for a 5 mo. old and that I would continue to monitor her.  I felt like I needed to be home with my baby so that I could see how she behaves when she is sick and learn her signs and symptoms to try to decipher what was wrong.  Alas, I had to rely on word of mouth; it's not the same thing at all.  Afraid of leaving work and being frowned on, I held out a little longer...

By noon her g-ma said her temp was 102 and I decided to leave work.  The thought of my baby being in any pain and not having me around made me nauseas.  I left to be with her and comfort her with breast milk and love.  I was sure that my caressing and yummy milk would make it all better in no time at all.

I decided to follow Aviva Jill Romm's advice on monitoring a fever in a child.  I wrote down her temps and times, behaviors, and noted if she was eating well or not.  I was beginning to doubt myself as I had two mothers asking me every 15 min. if I was sure I didn't need to take her to the Dr.  I wondered that myself, but I needed to trust myself.  I needed to be the one to decide when my baby could no longer bare the illness.  I am a mother and I needed to mother my child.  I felt her tiny immune system was fighting a winning battle and that is why her temp kept going up. No big deal.

G-ma goes to get some supplies for dinner and Sagan and I are alone...finally.  I can let go of worry and just focus on my baby.  I check her temp every 30 min. or so and monitor her behavior.  Her temp is 103.4.  I'm kind of freaking out at this point and doubting myself and Sagan's body's ability to fight infection.  I am worried that people will think I am dangerous.  I worry that I am dangerous.  I finally get ahold of her daddy and he is really scared.  With all the fear around me, I take her to the PM Pediatrics to be checked.  I had lost and I felt that Sagan might be losing too. 

I am an emotional wreck at this time.  My baby is such a good natured baby that the only sign of illness (other than fever) is fatigue.  I think that everyone should back away and let me do my job.  I think that I am being over confident and that I am wrong for waiting this long.  I think that everyone is butting in and I wish they would all go away.  Most of all I feel like a failure.  I feel I have failed my daughter by not seeing the signs of illness sooner and preventing it in some way.  I have let her down by not being able to fix it.  I have let myself down by letting people scare me into taking her to the Dr. when all they are going to do is give her evil medicine (??).  In a nutshell, I felt fear.

Now before I look like a lunatic: I know that illness is inevitable.  I was not afraid of her sickness.  I was afraid I had failed as a mother.  This is MUCH worse.  I do not lack confidence in myself as a general rule.  I fear other people's judgement of my decisions. This is the way I allow myself to fall just short of taking full responsibility for my actions.  I recognize this.  In the heat of the moment sometimes I do lose confidence in my intuition and rely instead on other's experiences/fears.  Sometimes they are right. 

Sagan's temp was 104 when we were seen by the nurse practitioner.  I felt that my decision to take her in had been a good one at that point because I had no idea what was even ailing her.  Her temp was high enough that I know my skills could not handle it.  I felt at ease and at the same time uneasy.  Our trip resulted in an anti-biotic that she couldn't swallow because her throat was swollen and sore.  We ended up having to give her shots.  My poor baby.  I feel like I will have to apologize to her later in life for subjecting her to that.  I hope she understands.

It's a hard road to walk when you choose the path less trodden.  I sometimes leap off the rocky road onto the smooth road to rest for a while.  I recoop my tired mind and leap right back on my path.  I know Sagan will forgive me for giving her anti-biotics.  She will know that I did so because I wanted her to be well.  She is well now, for now.  She is still in daycare and I suppose I will get another chance to face my fears really soon.  I know I need a good nanny.

Gro Baby (GroVia) Review

I have been using Gro Baby cloth diapers since day one.  I pain stakingly researched the various most popular diapers before Sagan was born because I did not want to make the wrong decision.  I wanted my money well spent and I wanted to save money.  This meant that I had to buy package deals.  I needed enough CDs that I couldn't buy a few random ones and try them out first.  I watched reviews from moms on YouTube for different types of popular diapers.  I knew that Sagan would be in daycare at some point and that I would have to consider ease of use when picking the perfect diaper. 

I picked Gro Baby (they have re-branded themselves "GroVia" shortly after I purchased my dipes) because I didn't have to buy so many shells (it's an all in two (AI2) so the shells are reusable if there is just pee), they seemed to fit very trim, they are organic, and the prints were not silly.  I ordered a package deal from Squishy Tushy for $275!  I got 8 shells, 24 liners and 16 extra soakers!!!  That is the perfect amount for a newborn.  I received several from my baby shower as well. 
I was anxiously awaiting the arrival of the package for like 10 days!  I basically ran the FedEx guy down when he arrived at the door to rip open my package of diapers.  I'm sure I'm not the first 9 mo. pregnant lady to almost tear him down... 

The only drawback to buying cotton is that it has to be pre-washed like 6 times prior to use or the natural oils in the cotton will not allow it to absorb pee.  Organic cotton has to be prepped the most, sometimes up to 10 washes.  I washed them 5 times and called it ready. 

So here is the Gro Baby diaper (I will talk about GroVia at the end):

This is a one size (OS) diaper which means it will fit most babies from around 8 lbs. to 35 lbs.  I found that it didn't fit Sagan until she was 8 lbs.  She was REALLY skinny when she was born.  It has a set of snaps in the front to adjust the rise of the shell for different growth stages.  Sagan is 16 lbs. and on the middle snap setting.  The snaps are very strong and the fabric that holds the snaps on is very strong too.  I never worry about it the snap pulling away from the fabric

The Aplix (think Velcro) is SUPER soft and very sticky.  The flaps cross over so you can really customize the fit for skinnier babies.

The shell itself is made of a soft fabric on the outside.  I'm sure it is PUL, but you would never know it.  It feels great and soft and I don't worry that it will rip like some PUL feels.  It has laundry tabs to fasten while in the wash.  They just fold over like a typical disposable.  This is the diaper shell unsnapped completely. 

The inside of the shell has a mesh liner and snaps to hold the insert in place (see below).  They say the mesh is to help it dry faster, but I don't see how this helps it dry faster...  It is nice though for the mesh to be on the skin instead of the PUL.

 

The soaker snaps in to the shell in the front and the back.  This is nice because you don't have to worry about it sliding around.  I don't think this is a big problem anyway, but you have the added security. 

This is the back of the organic cotton soaker pad that snaps into the shell.  It is wider at the back than in the front to catch more poop.  I have never had a blow out with this diaper.

The pad has six layers of organic cotton and you can see that some of the layers are sewn on top so that it will dry faster.  Cotton does take forever to dry so this is a plus.  You can add another three layers of organic cotton for a booster for naps and nighttime if you need it.  One comes with a shell set.  The soakers have elastic gussets as well to help contain messes.

Fit:  You can see how trim the cover is between the legs.  This is amazing.  I have seen some other brands (and own some) that are very wide between the legs.  It seems like this impedes movement.  The diaper without the extra booster soaker is amazingly trim on the behind.  You do not have to add bulk by folding the soaker over for smaller sizing on the shell.  The same size soaker fits all rise settings.

Here is the fit while on Sagan.  You can see how closely it fits the bum and how well it fits between the legs.  There is no gaping.

Pros:  TRIM!!!, Organic cotton, very absorbent, one size fits most babies, snap in liner, shell can be used more than once, shells can be used for other liners, the Aplix looks great after every wash - never pilling.

Cons: sometimes the diaper is too trim for some babies (they fit Sagan perfectly), take all day to dry in the sun, I have had a few pee leaks around the legs when she lies on her side but I have heard this about many diapers, the Aplix doesn't stick to laundry tabs most of the time in wash, Aplix curls after a few washings and can get caught on clothing

Verdict:  I give this CD a 5 out of 5 stars.  Even though there are some cons I feel like these are the cons of many companies.  Since the re-branding to GroVia many of the things that people didn't like about Gro Baby have been fixed, such as: the seemingly too small for some babies fit, the laundry tabs have been updated to stay put in the wash, and the soakers now have a PUL backing so the shell almost never gets wet.  These diapers can be purchased at The Natural Baby Co. or many other great web resources like from Teresa @ Squishy Tushy.

Have you had any experience with Gro Baby diapers that you can share with us?

CDing at Home made simple

I took the liberty of creating my most organized self for the wonderful two day weekend I just had.  They are sooo rare that I thought I better get some cleanin' done.  So I want to share how I have my changing table organized in case it helps any of you out there use your space wisely.  Don't be fooled by the seemingly pretty appearance; chaos looms behind the camera.

Here I have a pretty normal re-purposed piece of furniture for a changing table.  This table happens to be exceptional as it was my grandparents' and has some really cool features like a sliding top to expand and create a larger surface.  Definately not needed for the purpose, but it does create more space.  You can see I have the right side extended.  On it I have my diaper "stuff caddy" and the pad itself.  I only put this whole gig together about two weeks ago so, before, I had no change table (Sagan is 5 mos. old).  I had to wait until my sister's daughter out grew the pad because I am too cheap to buy a new one.

To the right in the floor is a bucket I got at Lowe's to use as a diaper pail. Most of you have one of these old things lying around from other projects.  This one cost me about two dollars with the lid.  You could also use a kitty litter bucket or just about anything.  You don't need a fancy schmancy diaper pail.  This one is nice because when I put dipes in the wash I just sit the bucket out on the porch to air out and no smell!  I also try to prep the dipes for washing before I put them in there so I am not having to handle two day old poopy dipes when I pour them into the wash machine (like pull out liners, unsnap soaker pads, fold over laundry tabs...).  I just put the pail up-side down over the washing machine spinner thing and push all the dipes out without having to touch a single one!  I don't use a diaper pail liner, though I have one for the daycare.  More on that in future posts...

Here is my "stuff caddy":  

It has cloth wipes on the left side.  In the top right pocket are baby ear swabs, a natural bristle brush, a sweet temporal thermometer, and I think that is some enzyme diaper pail spray for when/if the stink happens.  On the bottom right is my homemade diaper spray, homemade CD safe butt balm, and calendula oil for after bath time.  I used to inter-fold the cloth wipes and keep them in a travel wipes case so that they would pop up each time I pulled one out.  This was awesome, but it doesn't fit in my caddy and takes too much time.  I'm back at work and want to spend all my free time with my Little One (LO). 

Now the fun stuff: fluff!!

I am very nerdy when I am at my best and only a little nerdy when I don't have a lot of time.  So, I organized this (from left to right) by purpose.  These are our everyday diapers that we use at home and on the go.  Doublers are on the far left.  I only use these at night as Sagan only needs them then; they add a lot of bulk.  To the right of the doublers are the soaker pads in order of oldest washed to most recently washed so that I get a good rotation and they don't get worn out. I said I was a REAL nerd, not one of those on TV.  Anyhow, the shells are on the far right. 

I keep the dipes for the daycare stored underneath.  I only colour coordinated them for your viewing pleasure; I would not normally do this.  I am a MAJOR nerd, but not that much of one, though I wish I was.  Down here are the easy ones, dad proof ones, baby sitter, you get the idea.

The first three rows are the pocket dipaers or All In Ones (AIO) that the "surrogate parent" of the hour can just toss in a wet bag as is when they are dirty.  I have light weight blankets on the right for putting in daycare backpack.  On the bottom left are the changing pad covers and those little rubber lap pads.  I put them down in case there is an accidental pee while changing; it makes it easier to clean up.  On the bottom right are wet bags, extra covers, and in the basket...

These are the extra liners for the pockets and my AIO diapers.  I have a few prefolds as well.  Now you have it.  I keep everything together so changing, for anyone doing it, is a breeze.  

The baskets are a great thing to help organize, though I don't suggest spending a lot of money on coordinating ones.  Thrift stores have great finds on these type of things.  These were given to me at my baby shower.  My friend Melissa makes her own liners for them.  I am not that nerdy either, but I would be if I didn't work.  It can be done though and your baskets would look great.  You could also just toss a nice piece of fabric in the basket if you didn't want the basket to pick your stuff. 

Some people have a hanging wet bag on the back of the door for dirty dipes...  Do you have any organizing tips that have helped you in the journey to CD or to cut down on time? 

Cloth Diapering on the Go!!

Some people think that cloth diapering (CD) is hard...especially when you are out.  I hope to de-bunk that myth right here.  I have gotten my CD on the go skills down to an art and I will share with you some tips I have picked up so that you can completely eliminate disposables all together!  Woo Hoo!

This is my favourite diaper bag (not completely packed so you can see inside).  It holds EVERYTHING that I need for my trips out of the house.  I keep a smaller bag in the car with a few essentials in case I will just be in and out of some place.

Below is a picture of almost everything I take with me to go out of the house. 

I will list the items from top to bottom: plastic zipper bag, small wet bag, stain wipes, re-purposed travel wipes container for cloth wipes, diaper shell, diaper soakers, socks, burp rag, wash rags that expand when you wet them, CD safe butt balm, plastic bags for wet things or diapers, thermometer, outfit change, electric aspirator (highly recommended!), toy, anti-bacterial wipes, lip balm, pen, bubbles. 

The only thing I normally have in there that was not shown is my wipe spray bottle (4 oz.) and whatever carrier for Sagan that I choose for the activity.  The diaper bag holds all this plus my carrier.  I also stick my wallet, keys, and sunglasses in here when we leave the car. Then there is only one bag.  If I am only going to run in to some place I take a smaller bag with one shell and soaker, a few wipes, a small wet bag, and throw my wallet, keys, and phone in that bag.  I keep this small bag in the car just in case I forget to pack the diaper bag too.

So, you definately don't need everything I put in my bag, but the wet bag and/or plastic bags are what is really essential for CD changes on the go.  I simply put the wet/soiled diaper in my wet bag after a changing and leave the shell out in the bag to dry.  We primarily use Gro Baby (now GroVia) diapers that are an all-in-two diaper, but the same concept applies to pockets or prefolds.

I've been out before and forgotten my wet bag.  No big deal.  Just wrap the dirty dipe in the shell and put in any bag you can get.  I put the dirty cloth wipes in with the diaper and empty them into the diaper pail when we get home.  Couldn't be easier.

What funny scenarios have you gotten into on the run with cloth diapers? 

"It's Never Too Late to Start Exactly Where You Are"

I remember when I heard that saying from a dear friend for the first time.  I was concerned that I had messed up a dietary cleanse that I had started.  She reminded me that I had not failed at my endeavor with this simple quote.  It has stayed with me since that day and I have shared the wisdom in this idea with many since.  I decided to name my blog after this quote so that it may sum up what my posts will be about. 

Being a new mom I am doing things for the first time.  I often hear from other people (relatives and otherwise) that I should do things the way they did it.  Sometimes that's true, but not very often.  How are we as mothers or people supposed to find our way in this world without making our own mistakes?  We learn to trust our intuition by making a choice and living with the outcome.  Whatever the outcome... 

So, this blog is written in the spirit of making decisions to do something and whatever outcomes it may bring.  It is not too late to start that project, to go back to school, to learn to be a plumber, to learn how to replace your own brakes, to change your outlook, or to create a better life for yourself.  This blog is my journey into starting new things in life and loving the outcome, whether it is what I expected or something else that I can learn from.  I had many people before me to rely on for help and I hope I can be of help to someone else.

Thanks for starting life with fresh steps everyday with me.  We all deserve to see the world with experienced eyes.

Best Diaper Bag Ever!!!!

Here is my diaper bag.  I love my diaper bag.  It's made of recycled materials.  I didn't know this when I bought it, but I love that it is.  It is made by sherpani and I bought it for like $69 at The Natural Baby Company.  It is perfect for the cloth diapering parent for the following reasons:

  1.) It has a REALLY wide opening!  It, therefore, holds a gazillion cloth diapers.  I have not counted how many, but I take this bag to Sagan's Mimi's house with enough shells and soakers for the whole day when I am at work (9 hours).  It will also hold all her supplies for the day!  (see future post for what I keep inside her CD bag on a daily basis)

2.) It has generously sized "stuff" pockets on both of the outside corners.  These are stretchy so it will hold a camera (point and shoot type or smaller), a water bottle (even holds my pint jars of herbal infusions when I think to bring it along), or bubbles (which is currently in there).  You could put just about anything in there, including bottles for baby.  I love the "stuff" pockets because I love to have too much stuff with me and have it organized and easy to get to.

3.) Back slim pocket for other easy to reach items such as empty wet bag or anything else you need to get to easily.  It has a Velcro closure on this pocket. 

4.) The front flap has a zipper entry at the top for grabbing things while you are wearing the bag on your shoulder and a cell phone zipper pocket.  I use this pocket for cell or lip balm or other small things.  The flap comes all the way down the front of the bag to decrease the chances of things falling out.  It has a snap closure with male and female parts for extra security (no Velcro or zipper noises that might wake up baby!)

5.) Under the flap is another slim pocket that has a coordinating change pad and yet another zipper pocket.  I LOVE, love, love, all the storage potential for this bag!

6.) The best part of all: the inside storage!  There are three cushioned and lined pockets on the back "wall" of the bag, two insulated and lined pockets on either side, and a "wet" zippered pocket on the front "wall" of the bag, and nothing but open space in between.  There is a crazy zipper on the bottom that offers access through the bottom of the bag but I have never used this, nor do I know why you would need to (comment if you can help me with this one, I want to utilize all possible features here). 

The whole bag is made of recycled materials that are extremely easy to wipe clean, so spills are not a fear anymore.

I recommend this bag to any mama, but especially those that put their babies in cloth.  It has so much room and organization I feel it is my must have bag.  It is stylish and can be used for other purposes when baby is not a baby anymore!