In a nutshell, I felt fear...

So...Sagan had her first "sickness".  This was a very scary thing for me.  She made it 5 1/2 months first so I am thankful; but I was scared.  I had all sorts of confidence in myself until other well meaning people became involved.  I am not trying to say that I had it all under control, but that I was trying to trust my instincts.  Did I succeed?  You be the judge...

I came to get Sagan from her daycare on Thursday night  She was laying on the floor not moving.  I though she was just tired.  I picked her up and she was hot.  Hmmnnn...  She slept fitfully.  In the morning her temp. was 101.  No reason to worry I thought.  "Fever is a sign the body is fighting off infection", I thought as I left for work, leaving Sagan with her grandmother.  I wanted to be home with her to comfort her if she needed it but I had a meeting scheduled that morning. 

I kept calling to check in on her and g-ma was not sure about keeping her home and away from the Dr.  I told her that 101 was not a high temp for a 5 mo. old and that I would continue to monitor her.  I felt like I needed to be home with my baby so that I could see how she behaves when she is sick and learn her signs and symptoms to try to decipher what was wrong.  Alas, I had to rely on word of mouth; it's not the same thing at all.  Afraid of leaving work and being frowned on, I held out a little longer...

By noon her g-ma said her temp was 102 and I decided to leave work.  The thought of my baby being in any pain and not having me around made me nauseas.  I left to be with her and comfort her with breast milk and love.  I was sure that my caressing and yummy milk would make it all better in no time at all.

I decided to follow Aviva Jill Romm's advice on monitoring a fever in a child.  I wrote down her temps and times, behaviors, and noted if she was eating well or not.  I was beginning to doubt myself as I had two mothers asking me every 15 min. if I was sure I didn't need to take her to the Dr.  I wondered that myself, but I needed to trust myself.  I needed to be the one to decide when my baby could no longer bare the illness.  I am a mother and I needed to mother my child.  I felt her tiny immune system was fighting a winning battle and that is why her temp kept going up. No big deal.

G-ma goes to get some supplies for dinner and Sagan and I are alone...finally.  I can let go of worry and just focus on my baby.  I check her temp every 30 min. or so and monitor her behavior.  Her temp is 103.4.  I'm kind of freaking out at this point and doubting myself and Sagan's body's ability to fight infection.  I am worried that people will think I am dangerous.  I worry that I am dangerous.  I finally get ahold of her daddy and he is really scared.  With all the fear around me, I take her to the PM Pediatrics to be checked.  I had lost and I felt that Sagan might be losing too. 

I am an emotional wreck at this time.  My baby is such a good natured baby that the only sign of illness (other than fever) is fatigue.  I think that everyone should back away and let me do my job.  I think that I am being over confident and that I am wrong for waiting this long.  I think that everyone is butting in and I wish they would all go away.  Most of all I feel like a failure.  I feel I have failed my daughter by not seeing the signs of illness sooner and preventing it in some way.  I have let her down by not being able to fix it.  I have let myself down by letting people scare me into taking her to the Dr. when all they are going to do is give her evil medicine (??).  In a nutshell, I felt fear.

Now before I look like a lunatic: I know that illness is inevitable.  I was not afraid of her sickness.  I was afraid I had failed as a mother.  This is MUCH worse.  I do not lack confidence in myself as a general rule.  I fear other people's judgement of my decisions. This is the way I allow myself to fall just short of taking full responsibility for my actions.  I recognize this.  In the heat of the moment sometimes I do lose confidence in my intuition and rely instead on other's experiences/fears.  Sometimes they are right. 

Sagan's temp was 104 when we were seen by the nurse practitioner.  I felt that my decision to take her in had been a good one at that point because I had no idea what was even ailing her.  Her temp was high enough that I know my skills could not handle it.  I felt at ease and at the same time uneasy.  Our trip resulted in an anti-biotic that she couldn't swallow because her throat was swollen and sore.  We ended up having to give her shots.  My poor baby.  I feel like I will have to apologize to her later in life for subjecting her to that.  I hope she understands.

It's a hard road to walk when you choose the path less trodden.  I sometimes leap off the rocky road onto the smooth road to rest for a while.  I recoop my tired mind and leap right back on my path.  I know Sagan will forgive me for giving her anti-biotics.  She will know that I did so because I wanted her to be well.  She is well now, for now.  She is still in daycare and I suppose I will get another chance to face my fears really soon.  I know I need a good nanny.